


The Many Deaths of Petyr Baelish

by InkandType



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Character Death, Death, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-22
Updated: 2014-07-22
Packaged: 2018-02-09 21:44:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1998951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InkandType/pseuds/InkandType
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An ongoing collection of tumblr prompted drabbles depicting potential death scenarios for Petyr Baelish--from dark and gruesome to patently ridiculous.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> These drabbles are just meant to be a fun little writing exercise to see if I can actually put together coherent and compelling death scenarios in only 100 words.
> 
> No Petyr Baelishes were harmed in the making of these drabbles.

It happened so quickly – Petyr hadn’t even felt the blade slip into his side. Instead, he felt the rush of hot, slick liquid begin to pour from the wound. The red bloomed into a mockery of a rose on his robes, and the dark corridor he’d been crossing turned black. He found a cold, rough column, and his body began a slow, endless slide toward the ground. A stifling weight pressed against his chest, as though all of his many schemes were returning to pay their respects. As his eyelids drooped down, he heard an icy voice whisper: _valar morghulis._


	2. II

The Night’s Watch detectives weren’t sure what to write in their report. Senator Petyr Baelish had been an important man in King’s Landing, so death by masturbatory aid seemed inappropriate somehow.

“Technically, I think it was most likely poisoned lubricant _in_ the Tenga that did it.” Bronn was just a beat cop but knew his way around the sex crimes division. He’d also known the higher ups would want to be involved, which is why he’d called in the incident immediately. “Put it down as a poisoning, and forget the bit about his dick being trapped in a sex toy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you’re curious, Tenga is a famous Japanese sex toy/masturbatory aid design company.


	3. III

It was already morning when Petyr stepped out of The Mockingbird and wiped what must have been the remnants of his newest girl’s tears from his hands and onto his dark blue pocket square. Sometimes he just needed to show them who was truly in control. Actually, he loved those moments most of all – when his girls would weep knowing he held their small, insignificant lives in his hands.

He was so caught up in his musings that he didn’t even hear the man in the crane shouting for him to get out of the way of the falling piano.


	4. IV

Father had promised him a special gift if he could secure another Greyjoy holding in the name of the Dreadfort, and he was as good as his word. His present was small—almost delicate in a way—and tied to a slanted, wooden slab in the center of the room. Ramsay walked toward the bound and gagged man and glanced at a table lined with his prized knives.

“Lord Baelish, I’m so pleased you could join me. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever tried to peel an apple and managed to remove the skin in one piece?”


	5. V

As he shoved against Lysa’s shoulders, he couldn’t contain the delighted smirk that he’d been holding inside for so many years. He was finally free – free of her fawning, her voice, her body. Free.

And then a thin grasping claw caught at his robes, and he was tumbling – tumbling through the opening and down toward the ground below.

The last thing Petyr Baelish saw was Tully red hair framing a pale face. It peered down at him through the moon door. For a moment, he could have sworn it was Cat’s face smiling at him.

But only for a moment.


	6. VI

A hissing tore him from his thoughts, and he cast his eyes around the darkness. Petyr was certain he’d been tossed into an empty tent, but the sound was growing louder. With it came an overwhelmingly fetid scent.

At first, he couldn’t see anything due to the dark. When his sight adjusted, however, he wished for blindness.

It was Cat but not her at the same time. Not even her eyes remained as they had been. No, this creature’s eyes were cold and full of hatred and a vast, black emptiness.

“Cat,” he whispered just before the blackness took him.


	7. VII

All it had taken to beat her was a little bit of planning. Everyone in King’s Landing knew Cersei loved a good Dornish red. Petyr’s only regret was that he couldn’t be there for the Queen Regent’s final drink.

He smiled and took another sip of wine to silence the cough that had been troubling him for weeks. He frowned when the scratch in his throat grew worse. It felt as though he’d been set ablaze. The next cough left drops of blood on his hand, and the next left streaks.

Their game, it seemed, would end in a tie.

**Author's Note:**

> This collection of drabbles is dedicated to the wonderful [PrioritiesSorted](http://archiveofourown.org/users/PrioritiesSorted/profile) and [CommaSplice](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CommaSplice/profile) without whom I never would have been inspired to put this collection together in the first place.


End file.
